


Fear

by ThatWasntSoBad



Series: Phoenix Shepard/Kaidan Alenko [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Sorry Not Sorry, mostly angst with fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25410127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWasntSoBad/pseuds/ThatWasntSoBad
Summary: (Set during ME3)Phoenix's Uncle had a mission for her on Mindoir, the very planet she grew up, to kick out Cerberus. Reapers invade, things got dicey, she's fatally injured and afraid.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: Phoenix Shepard/Kaidan Alenko [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720840
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	Fear

Eyes flickered around the Cargo Bay as she stumbled out of the shuttle. She started to sweat, legs feeling weightless despite the heaviness of her steps, gaze focused on the lift to draw her attention away from the searing pain that ran up and down her left side. She focused on her breathing - deep and calm - so her heart wouldn't race and pound. 

She had to get to Med Bay. 

Her vision had already begun to blur when the elevator door opened, someone… a pair… a trio of people running out. She leaned against the closest set of crates she could find, doing everything she could to slow the inevitable. 

But nothing was working. 

"Phoenix! Oh my god!" Minerva's voice was loud within her ear, hands cold against her face. "James, get Chakwas down here. Now!" Her vision, which had cleared slightly, began to worsen. "Hey, c'mon. Look at me, not away. Focus on my finger. that's it. Good job."

"Minerva… I can barely see your face… I cannot focus on your finger! That is  _ not  _ a good job!" 

"Sh." Her hush was gentle. "Raising your voice increases heart rate."

"So does absolute fear when you start experiencing the same crap you did when you died last time."

She lost focus during the settling in of panic. Her breaths were more erratic, heart racing. She'd lost a lot of blood and the medi-gel had been so rushed by herself that it may as well have never been used. A stupid mistake on her part. 

She shouldn’t have gone alone. She should have listened to her Uncle. But there was no time. She had to try to save her grandfather. Her grandmother was already dead - her bloodied hand had left a mark on her left cheek, temple, forehead. It had been washed away by the storm. Her grandfather needed to live. He was all she had left of her mother. He was all… he was all her siblings had left of her. 

She had to try! It was in the chase that she received her injury. A Brute had been chasing a Cerberus platoon and broke the walkway, smashed windows. One took down her shields, the other pierced the fabric of her armour. That was when she was sloppy, losing sight of the old man the longer she stayed in place. 

  
She couldn’t save him as fires swarmed the estate, the cherry trees planted in the back garden of her family home burning. Every thing was gone. All except him. But he was fading away right before her eyes. He was….

The last thing he did was gather enough strength to tell he he was proud of her. Proud of all his grandchildren. And he held her as she cried.

Doors crashed down in front of her, doors that had been there since she was born, photographs still hung up crashing and burning. She  _ fought  _ Cerberus ni that home. She  _ fought  _ Reaper forces in that home. She  _ fought  _ to defend. To protect. She  _ fought  _ until she had no bullets. Then she used her fists. She  _ refused to lose _ . Even when she was weak and n her knees. Even when she struggled to stand on her own two feet. 

And it was her Uncle who pulled her out, holding her so tightly her weaker form’s struggling did nothing to loosen his hold.

She was back to being that sixteen-year-old-girl in the escape shuttle. Terrified. Afraid. Alone despite her family being around her. Fists clenched so tightly her nails drew blood. Body trembling. Eyes burning. 

She hated it. That moment where time stopped whilst she processed. Then when it all started again she couldn’t breathe, floating in space with the wreckage of another home sailing past her. The fear of waking again in an unknown place, connected to machines, hearing her heart rate increase on the monitor, hearing it within her, feeling it in her neck. Waking up o find two hours left on a two-day countdown until the Reapers arrived. Waking up to find twenty-eight minutes on the same countdown with communications down and the last escape shuttle gone.

The same pause in time as she lept from the Collectors Base and to the Normandy. The way it sped up as she clung to the edge, then clung to Miranda as she pulled her up to safety. 

  
And in each moment, she thought  _ ‘Did I say anything I regret? Did I not say what I wanted to say? Did I reply to my emails and say ‘I love you’ to everyone I care about? Do they know they meant everything to me?’  _

Did Kaidan know that she loved him more than she could ever describe? 

She needed to get moving. She needed to walk. She needed to see Kaidan in case this  _ was  _ the end for her. She needed to tell him  _ over and over  _ how much he  _ truly  _ meant to her. She was given the chance to do that this time. Or maybe… maybe she wanted to hold his hand. See his eyes again. If her vision would clear. Hear his voice again if her hearing didn't warp before then. Be in his presence. 

There was another commotion. Somewhere. Near the lift. 

"Sir, I -" Phoenix felt her left arm move, lofting and being draped over shoulders. A new wave of pain washed across her form and she released the very start of a scream before she snapped her mouth shut. A gentle kiss was pressed against the side of her face, where her temple met her forehead. 

"It’s okay. You’ll be just fine.”

  
Her hearing began to warp at Kiadan’s words. The moment of barely controlled breaths instantly shifted. Her vision was gone, blinking revealed no light or image. Voices in her ear were far away. The sound of her rapidly beating heart was clearer than sounds, in her ears. Her breaths were loud. And she trembled. She clung.    
“Kaidan, I can’t… I... I can’t….” A lump formed in her throat. How could she say that she couldn’t see? That everything sounded far away? That nausea started to build within her form? How could she say any of that? How could she knowingly increase the fear that she was… that she could…

_ Die _ .

Barely a moment after she spoke her legs had started to give way beneath her. The thought of bracing for impact appearing in a fleeting moment but she never acted upon it. The arm around her waist shifted further up her back and held her firmly, the other that kept her arm around his neck hoisted her legs up. 

Her blood was on his uniform. 

She was intending on stating that fact, but his shoulder was comfortable. His scent comforting. His hold as soothing as a blanket on a cold day when she suffered from the common cold.

  
She was tired.

  
Oh so tired.   
  
“Kaidan?” Her voice was quiet. Weak. And she didn’t care anymore.   
  
“Yeah?”   
  
Was that… a quiver? No. It couldn’t have been.    
  
“Have I ever told you that I love you?”   
  
“Multiple times.”   
  
“Well, I love you. I’m so lucky to have… met you.” Her eyes fell closed. Not that it changed anything when she couldn’t see.   
  
“Phoenix, you’re going to be okay. You’re going to be just fine. We’re nearly at the Med Bay - keep your eyes open. You can make it, okay?”   
  
“I’m so… tired.”   
  
“I know.”   
  
“And it … it… this pain…”   
  
“I know it hurts.”   
  
“No… not that kind of pain. It hurts that I can’t… see you… right now. I can’t… I can’t…”

She trailed off and silence followed. A silent void darker than space. Space without stars. Without suns. Without planets lit up by nightlights.

  
Just the haunting loneliness.

  
_______  
  
 _“Minerva…. Minerva, she’s waking up. Get Kaidan._ **_Now._** _”_

_   
_ Sound. She could hear. Words unwarped, the beeping heart monitor calm. She couldn’t hear her breaths. She couldn’t hear her heart nor the rush of blood. Running feet leaving, running feet entering. She could hear the Normandy’s engines. 

  
All of it clear as day.   
  


She opened her eyes, too quick at first. She saw the med bay light in spots with her eyes closed for a few moments as she heard a chair move closer to her. And then she began to open them much slower. Letting her sight adjust.   
  
She felt warm fingers clasp hers. Kaidan’s. She squeezed his hand in return and turned her head to her left, where he sat. She smiled at him, tired and weak but happy. Relieved. She could see him. She could see his smile, warm and relieved. She could see his hazel eyes, bright despite the weariness held within them. 

  
She was sat up at an angle, bandaged tight enough to keep her  _ held together  _ as he Uncle once said after the Blitz, but loose enough that she could move. And Kaidan was sat so close to her she barely had to reach out until her fingers were on his cheek. And then guilt washed over her at the sight of the redness that spread in the whites of his eyes.   
  
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have -”   
  
“Hey.” He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, bruised and sore. “It’s okay. If you didn’t try, you wouldn’t be you.”   
  
She frowned at his words. He was calm. He was… He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t angry. She averted her gaze “But I could have....”   
  
His hand upon her cheek prompted her to look at him once more. “You terrify me whenever you pull crazy stunts. Every time. Even before Saren. Just knowing you were out there on a suicide mission scared me half to death. But it’s also one of the many,  _ many _ reasons that I love you.”   
  
“My ability to get into suicidal situations?”   
  
He cracked a short laugh. “Your tenacity. Your determination. Your integrity. “   
  
A quick breath of embarrassed laughter escaped her and she winced slightly at the pain that shot through her side. “Careful, Major. I’m tied to a heart monitor and I think the last thing anyone wants is for it to go crazy because I’m blushing at your compliments.” And then she released a breath. “When you came to me, I was already feeling like I was going to faint. And when my vision went and I couldn’t see you… you were carrying me and I missed you. I was terrified and afraid that you would be there in my last… but I wouldn’t be able to see you. God, I missed you.”   
  
“You were scared. You didn’t know what was going on.”   
  
“Still, I just wanted you to know that I love you. Just in case.”   
  


His thumb swept away a tear she didn’t realise had fallen and his forehead touched hers tenderly. He didn’t need to say anything. She knew how he felt. But he did speak. “I love you, too.” And they shared a quick, gentle kiss before Kaidan moved away again.   
  
“Just so you know, this doesn’t give you an excuse to pull another Mars on me like that.”   
  
“Yeah. Your bothers definitely mentioned that you cried through, what, two packs of tissues?”   
  
“.... Curse them!"


End file.
